


Through the Dark

by awkwardmomentsintimeandspace



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-18 08:59:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3563813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardmomentsintimeandspace/pseuds/awkwardmomentsintimeandspace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Tentoo and Rose attempt to adjust to an ordinary life in Pete’s World, the Doctor wages an internal battle of identity and demons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tight Rope

As the Tardis dematerialized, the Doctor slipped his hand back into Rose’s where it belonged. She gazed through her unfallen tears at the imprint the TARDIS had left in the sand and shivered, then lifted her eyes towards the sky and took a deep breath. She offered him a half formed smile,  squeezed his hand reassuringly and turned towards her mother, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

There were numerous what ifs and what nows that started to overwhelm him; he was down a heart, down a TARDIS and lacking a quick getaway. But, he was here with Rose Tyler. He had finally  finished that sentence that had remained unspoken for so long and she had snogged him senseless. He smiled to himself and turned when he registered Jackie Tyler speaking on the phone to who he assumed was Pete. 

  
“...bloody Norway! If I never set foot on this beach again it will be too soon!”

Rose stood to the side of her mother with her eyes cast down towards the sand and a slight smirk on her face at hearing her mother. 

  
Jackie chuckled, “Alright! Don’t get your pants in a twist!” She smiled and rolled her eyes and added, “Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow. Kiss Tony for me... I love you.” She pushed a button on the phone and looked up at the Doctor “Well, we better start hiking! It’s going to be dark soon!”  
  
Rose turned to the Doctor a little uncertainly, “There’s a hotel about a mile away,” she paused and pressed her lips together, trying not to smile, “The Bad Wolf Inn..” she jabbed her finger in his direction, “and no, I didn’t have anything to do with it!” She rushed to get the words out before he could say anything.   
  
The Doctor challenged her with a quick raise of the eyebrow.  
  
Rose looked thoughtful and smirked, “Well...I don’t think I did…”

The Doctor chuckled, stepped forward and grabbed Rose’s hand before following Jackie, who was halfway up the beach and leaving a trail of footprints in the sand. 

They walked in silence for a few minutes, hands intertwined and swinging between them. The Doctor kept stealing glances at her but Rose kept her eyes firmly on the sand. 

  
The Doctor wracked his brain for something to fill the silence and picked the safest subject he could. “So tell me about Tony. How old is he now?”  
  
Rose smiled the first real smile he had seen since the true Doctor had disappeared with the TARDIS. “He’s 5...and a half. The half is very important, I’m told!” she joked as she rolled her eyes.  
  
The Doctor’s heart stuttered and then broke a little. Rose had been here for over 6 years, while he had endured only 3 years without her. He immediately felt the guilt settle over him and he wondered if the time had been as hard on Rose as it had been on him. While he hoped Rose had found some happiness in this universe, there was a part of him that wondered if anyone had begun to replace him, in her life.  
  
They lapsed back into silence, with Rose having a staring contest with the sand and the Doctor alternating between looking out at the ocean and gazing sadly at Rose. But her hand never left his. 

Jackie had stopped and was waiting for them at the base of the hill leading to the road and for the first time in these last two lives, he was happy that Jackie was around to help fill the awkward silences.  She prattled on about Pete and Tony and about how different their lives were in this London than in the other. She talked about upcoming parties and some guy named Melvin whom they were not a fan of! Rose added to the conversation when prompted but mostly she kept quiet. 

  
Finally, after what  felt like hours, they reached the Inn. Jackie headed inside to get them rooms and Rose and the Doctor headed down the street.   
  
“There’s a shop down the street that has the essentials. We can go shopping for you once we get back to London.”   
  
“You know how I love a little shop!” The Doctor said with a tense grin. Rose attempted a smile but it didn’t reach her eyes.

 They walked into the shop with the Doctor trailing behind Rose like a puppy. Rose grabbed a tube of toothpaste and 3 toothbrushes and deodorant. She turned to the Doctor gently, “I grabbed you a toothbrush but you can get whatever you need. I’ll pay.” 

  
The Doctor turned and walked to the hair gel. He opened several bottles of it and sniffed at them. Some he wrinkled his nose at and immediately snapped the lid shut and some he set to one side, saving his final judgement until after he had sniffed them all. He turned when he felt Rose’s eyes on him.

“I’m going to go find something to sleep in,” Rose said as she turned and started to walk away.

  
The Doctor grabbed one of the bottles of hair gel that wasn’t horrible, turned to Rose and said brightly, “I’ll go with you!”  
  
Rose grinned, “Well you should probably go to the men’s section and find something for yourself...unless you’d like to come help me pick out underwear for my mother?”  
  
The Doctor involuntarily shuddered, turned away from Rose awkwardly and started off in the opposite direction that Rose had been headed. He turned back when he heard Rose shout his name.   
  
“Doctor.” She lifted her hand and pointed in the other direction, “The men’s section is that way.”  
  
He turned on his foot and headed in the direction of Rose’s finger. As he walked past Rose, she covered her mouth with her hand trying to stifle a laugh.  
  
After getting sidetracked by gadgets and electronics only twice, he picked out a package of plain undershirts and a pair of flannel bottoms. Then, after a long internal debate along with some soul searching, decided on a package of boxers.   
  
He found Rose up by the checkout chatting easily with the checkout boy. She asked him about where to get food and answered questions effectively, but very vaguely, about why they were in town. The Doctor added his selections to Rose’s and tried to tactfully cover his boxers with his jim-jams.  Rose handed the checkout boy her credit card and the Doctor picked up their bags and lead Rose just outside where they stopped awkwardly.   
  
“Do you want to get food or just go back to the Inn?” he questioned.   
  
Rose sighed and looked towards the Inn, “Honestly, I’m not really that hungry…”   
  
The Doctor looked wistfully at Rose, “Me neither.”  
  
Rose shifted her weight awkwardly and looked up at him She took a deep breath as if to start a sentence but faltered and diverted her gaze. “I guess we should be getting back. Mom will be wondering where we got off to.” Rose turned and headed in the direction of the Inn.  
  
The Doctor was frozen in place for a split second. He jammed his free hand into his pocket, his hand clenching and unclenching the fabric inside, his breath coming in short panicked bursts. This was why he always ran before the dust cloud could completely settle, before the adrenaline wore off and heart rates started to go back to normal. He was always sure to be long gone when people started asking the questions that hadn’t come to mind in their state of panic. It was simpler, easier and certainly less messy. This was why when he had traveled with Rose, he had always come up with another adventure before the emotional turmoil of their life could force them together in a way that had seemed inevitable from day one. He didn’t know how to navigate this tight rope they seemed to be precariously balanced on, with every move carefully measured as to not to sway the other off balance. He didn’t know what to do or what to say and he craved the easygoing banter that they had always been good at.   
  


His mind finally caught up with his feet and he headed off after Rose, who had just realized he wasn’t following her. He caught up with her in a few long strides and she looked at him slightly confused, “Are you alright?”  
  
He smiled half-heartedly, “Of course I am.”  
  
They found Jackie at the Inn settled on a couch with a magazine in her lap. She put it down as Rose and the Doctor entered the sitting room. “About bloody time! I should have known you would take forever!” she said, fixing her gaze on the Doctor.   
  
The Doctor didn’t have a biting retort, no come back, no indignant look; he just muttered a “Sorry”.  
  
“Well, I got 2 rooms, Henry gave us the two best rooms they had! Such a sweet man!” Jackie did a little finger wave to the man standing at the front desk as they made their way out of the sitting room. Rose groaned and nudged Jackie up the stairs with the Doctor trailing behind them.

They came to a stop between room 203 and 204 and the Doctor handed Rose her bag of essentials. Jackie bid the Doctor goodnight and quietly let herself into room 203, leaving Rose and the Doctor hovering in the hallway alone. 

"Dad is sending a Zeppelin early tomorrow morning, probably around 7? We'll be back in London by mid-afternoon."

"Good! That's good." The Doctor said a little too enthusiastically.

Rose glanced at her watch and then at him, "You should get some sleep. You're probably knackered."

"Yeah, could do with a shower too," he added quietly.

Rose looked for a moment like she was going to take a step towards him. He held his breath in anticipation. He wanted nothing more than to touch her, maybe a hug or the brush of a thumb on her cheek; anything to reassure himself that she was here and he wasn't quite as alone as he felt. He waited but it never came. Instead, she whispered, "Good night Doctor”, and slipped inside room 203.

The Doctor stared at the closed door for a moment, then turned and let himself into his room. There was a large bed with two small tables on either side of it centered on the far wall. The wall on the right featured 2 large windows which threw light from the streetlights and the moon at an angle across the floor. 

He walked further into the room, kicked his shoes off and carried his shopping bag into the bathroom and placed it on the counter . He shrugged out of his jacket and shirt, folded them neatly and placed them next to the sink. After removing his trousers and pants he turned on the shower and stepped under the scalding water which he promptly adjusted to a cooler temperature. He grabbed the small bottle of hotel shampoo and lathered his hair, rinsed and then stood motionless under the comforting spray. His gaze landed on a small fleck of color on the tile of the shower and refused to move. His mind wandered aimlessly and unchecked from little Tony Tyler to the TARDIS to his Time Lord counterpart to Torchwood and finally to Rose. He felt the panic start to bubble again and he had to remind himself to breathe.By the time he moved the water had gone cold and he was just starting to shiver.

After dressing in his newly purchased jim-jams, he turned the lights off and slid into bed. He laid there on his back staring at the ceiling. Had he been on the TARDIS, it would have projected a view of the night sky on this planet or that planet above him and the stars would have lulled him to sleep. But there were no stars, only the moonlight cascading through a double paned window to his left. He laid there for what seemed like hours, trying to wipe his mind of all thought so he could finally get some rest. He was in the midst of a thought about how counting sheep didn’t really work when the door to his room creaked open.   
  
He recognized Rose’s silhouette silently squeezing through the door immediately. She carefully latched the door behind her and tiptoed to the other side of the bed. Her hands hesitated before lifting the comforter and sliding in carefully next to him. He didn’t give her any indication that he was awake and he wondered to himself if she would say anything or if they were supposed to acknowledge this in the morning. They laid there in hushed silence for a minute, only the sound of her breathing giving any indication that she was here at all. The Doctor had just come to the conclusion that she hadn’t come for talking when she broke the stillness.   
  
“I feel like I should say something or do something to make this seem real. But I don't know what to say to you. I spent all that time fighting to get back to you, but I never thought about what I would do or say if I actually managed it .”  
  
He swallowed a lump in his throat, “You don’t have to say anything.”

“But I feel like I do…” she let the silence swallow her words for a moment. “I never thought we’d be here. This scenario never occurred to me. I always thought I’d be back traveling with you in the TARDIS.”

He squeezed his eyes shut at this confession from Rose. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“No...don’t apologize to me. I know you’d rather be back on the TARDIS; that he trapped you here. Did you know? That he was going to leave you here?”

“No. He didn’t tell me what he had planned,” he mumbled.

“Well, then I guess I’m the one that’s sorry that you got stuck here,” Rose said. 

He could tell that she was trying not to cry. He could hear the quiver in her voice and heard her inhale sharply like she was trying to draw back the tears. 

The Doctor considered his words carefully. He didn’t want to sound insincere or fall back on his “I’m always alright” attitude. He didn’t want to give Rose the false impression that everything was perfect, because he knew this wasn’t going to be easy. He could still feel the panic clawing at his heart, his mind, his skin, and he knew it wasn’t going to go away anytime soon.   
  
“Whether I had a choice about where he left me or whether or not I view myself as stuck isn’t the important part. I couldn’t have left you. In this world, in that world, on the TARDIS or on earth for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t have left you anywhere…or anywhen.”  
  
He could almost hear her smile through the silence.   
  
After a few quiet moments the Doctor spoke again. “Also, about this Inn…there are roses  on the wallpaper and roses in that vase over there by the window and if I remember correctly, which I usually do, Henry had a rose pinned to his lapel.”  
  
He felt Rose turn her head towards him on the pillow. The Doctor could feel her glaring in his direction. “Well, seriously, maybe it’s just a coincidence!”

The Doctor smirked. “If I’ve learned anything in over 900 years, it’s that nothing is left up to chance when it comes to you, Rose Tyler.”


	2. Playing Dress Up

Rose had slowly come to consciousness the next morning with the Doctor still asleep next to her. She was on her side, cocooned under the white comforter, with her hand clasped firmly in his. He was unguarded although his sleeping was anything but peaceful. The skin between his eyebrows would furrow every couple of breaths and his mouth was turned down. Rose looked down at their joined hands and ran her thumb across the knuckle of his little finger and his brow unwrinkled as she smiled to herself. She wondered what he was dreaming; maybe about the TARDIS or the loss of his original universe. 

 

Before she could come to any conclusion, his eyes were fluttering open and Rose’s heart was about to burst out of her chest. Back on the TARDIS, she had thought about what it would be like to wake up next to the Doctor. The mussed up hair and sleepy eyes were an improbable fantasy she never thought she would live. Now it was an image she couldn’t get out of her head as they ate breakfast with Jackie in the dining room of the Inn and in the short car ride to the airport. It haunted her as he took up his usual running tap-dance and avoidance of any topic that had to do with serious discussions or questions that needed to be answered.

The zeppelin ride was quiet; the type of quiet that pressed in on all sides and could and would swallow you whole if you allowed it to. Rose sat still and silent with the window on her left and the Doctor on her right. She could feel the heat and energy and frustration radiating off of the man who was bouncing his foot annoyingly on the floor of the zeppelin. Rose took a deep breath and tried, albeit unsuccessfully, to ignore the incessant tapping. After a moment her hand shot forward seemingly on its own and landed on his knee, attempting to calm his jitters. 

 

He looked at her sheepishly and then diverted his gaze, “Sorry.” 

Rose removed her hand and turned her head towards the window, “It’s okay.”

She looked out at the passing ground beneath them as they grew ever closer to London. Up to this point it was like they had been in limbo, half-way between that universe and this one. Once they landed in London they would be forced to begin making a life and figuring out how all of this was going to work. Would the Doctor get a job? Would he want to stay in her flat? The Doctor had never made her feel inferior, even when she had lived on the Powell Estate with her mother, but as they descended into London she suddenly became self-conscious about her car and her life and her bathroom that was going to be too small for two people to cohabitate, which was suddenly the scariest word she had ever heard. She began wishing that the zeppelin ride from Norway had taken 7 days instead of 7 hours.

The Doctor was up and out of his seat the second the zeppelin had made contact with the ground. Jackie let out an exasperated sigh before following him up the aisle with Rose trailing tentatively behind. 

Rose watched Jackie hurry down the last few steps and practically launch herself at Pete, hugging and kissing him hello. 

Pete eventually extracted himself from Jackie’s embrace and turned towards the Doctor, who shook his hand firmly, “Nice to see you again, Doctor.”

“Same to you, Pete.”

Pete looked at him skeptically, “Are you here to stay this time?”

The Doctor glanced worriedly in Rose’s direction, “I’m planning on it.”

Rose stood off to the side worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. Pete looked at her sympathetically and made his way over to give her a hug. He whispered into her ear, “How are you doing sweetheart?”

She closed her eyes as they began to sting, buried her face in Pete’s chest and inhaled as if drawing strength from him and pulled back to look him in the eye and nodded resolutely, “I’m okay.”

Jackie spoke from behind her, “Do you want to come back and stay at the house tonight? Tony would love to see you.”

There was a part of Rose that longed for the distraction of her 5-year-old brother and for the buffer that her Mom and Pete could provide between herself and the Doctor. They could keep up the conversation so that they didn’t have to. But they would have to continue talking and figuring things out at some point and going back to the house would only be delaying the inevitable. Her eyes met the Doctor’s as she went back to chewing on her bottom lip. 

“I think we’ll go back to my flat and try to get settled.” she said after another moment of consideration.

Jackie stepped towards Rose and gave her a hug, “Okay, but if you need anything let us know.” She turned towards the Doctor, “That means you too.”

The Doctor looked taken aback for a moment and then smiled, “Thank you Jackie.”

Pete smiled and threw Rose a set of keys, “I had someone bring your car. I figured you’d want it.”

“Thanks Dad.”

They walked towards the parking lot with the Doctor trailing a half a step behind Rose.

Once inside her tiny blue Mini Cooper Rose sat in the quiet for a moment. Her mind was going a hundred different directions at once. She didn’t know whether to shop for the Doctor, go to the grocery store or just head home. He would need clothes but she also knew she didn’t have scrap of food left in her flat. Rose had once again latched on to her bottom lip in worry and confusion and a list of other emotions that meant “What the bloody hell next?” Her hands gripped the steering wheel so hard that her knuckles turned white and she blurted out a rushed, “I’m sorry,” just as the Doctor asked her if she was okay. 

"What are you sorry for?" The Doctor asked, clearly confused by Rose’s outburst.

Rose looked down at her lap unable to meet the Doctor’s gaze. “Back there, with Mum, I just assumed that you’d come back with me but you don’t have to. I mean, we could look for a place of your own or you could stay with Mum and Dad, they wouldn’t mind. Or, I don’t know, you could… you just don’t have to stay with me if you don’t want to.” 

"Why wouldn’t I stay with you," he asked, in a voice so small and laced with panic that it scared Rose half to death.

"Well, I don’t know. Last time I suggested living together you didn’t seem like a fan of the idea. I can’t read your mind, you know. Maybe you’d rather sort all of this out on your own, maybe you need some space.” Rose cringed at the double meaning of what she had just said. Of course he needed space, but it wasn’t the kind of that Rose could give him. 

The Doctor sat paralyzed for a moment and then blew out a breath. “I don’t want to look for a place of my own.” 

It wasn’t a declaration or an admission of how he was feeling. She barely had more information than she did ten seconds ago but it would have to do for now. She had that overwhelming urge again, to say something substantial and meaningful that would sum up her feelings and calm their insecurities, but she didn’t want to push him so she jumped to the next subject that needed a resolution. 

“Okay. Well, you’re going to need clothes and things and I have quite literally no food in my flat.” She stopped her sentence there on purpose. The next part of that train of thought would have been to tell him that she hadn’t planned on coming back so food left in the flat would have been superfluous. 

There was a beat of silence before he answered, “Yeah, I suppose I’ll need something other than this suit.” 

Rose immediately recognized the forced enthusiasm in his voice. She knew that tone well. It had been a permanent fixture in her first days, weeks and months in this universe. 

Rose smiled reassuringly, “I like the blue.”

She started the car and threw it into gear. They made their way steadily through traffic with the Doctor taking in the passing buildings and cars and Rose explaining some of the differences and similarities of various aspects of Pete’s World. As she pulled over to the curb, in front of a three story marble building, she smirked at the Doctor. “I thought you might like to shop somewhere a little familiar.” 

Rose watched as his face contorted into confusion momentarily as she grinned with her tongue between her teeth. “It’s called Hendricks’s here but the store is pretty much the same.”

His face became serious but she could sense the teasing tone, “Living plastic and all?” 

She rolled her eyes but couldn’t quite contain the smile. “Well, I haven’t seen any, but I’m not going to lie, I still tend to steer clear of the mannequins.”

“Certainly not a bad idea,” the Doctor said thoughtfully as he came around the car to stand next to Rose who was digging in her pocket for change. She fed the meter and they walked to the front door together. 

Once inside the Doctor made a beeline for the Converse section as Rose wandered through the shirts and ties. She brushed her fingers over the silk ties and wondered whether his style would change at all now that he was human and whether picking out clothes for him was pushing the carefully constructed boundaries they were developing. The Doctor walked through the racks toward her carefully, trying not to tip over the three Converse boxes cradled in his arms. 

“I got cream, black and grey. I wanted the navy but they didn’t have them in my size.” 

Rose stared at him and his selection of Converse skeptically. “You do know you’re going to have to buy clothes to with all of those?”

“I don’t have to get all of them, if it’s too much.” he said worriedly.

“No, no it’s fine. Seriously, get whatever you need. I can pay, but Dad has an account with your name on it. I’m not sure how much it has in it now but I know it’s enough to get you started.”

The Doctor almost dropped the top Converse box in shock. “What?”

“The last time we were…well, you were here, with the Cybermen, Dad put some money in an account for you. I guess he felt like you deserved something for saving the world and you weren’t exactly here, so he just left it in an account.”

The Doctor’s brow was wrinkled, deep in thought. Rose wondered if she would ever know what he was thinking. It seemed unfair that he always knew what she was feeling and she was always in the dark. 

“So, do you want to look around?” she asked hesitantly.

He startled and looked up at her. “Yes” He looked around awkwardly for a place to set his shoe boxes and finally Rose offered to take them to a counter so he could shop. 

When Rose returned she found him with an armful of shirts and ties which she promptly took from him to go put in a dressing room. She examined his selections carefully. He had picked up a few Henley’s, which she had seen him wear under his suit on occasion, several dress shirts and regular t-shirts and a couple of blazers.

On her way out of the dressing room a suit caught her eye and she smiled a little sadly to herself. It wasn’t exact but it was probably as close as they could get without having one custom made. Hanging on a rack was a slim cut brown suit with blue pinstripes. The brown was a little darker and the pockets were different but she made a guess on size and felt a little giddy inside as she hung it in his dressing room behind the shirts as a surprise. 

This time the Doctor had picked up a couple packs of plain white undershirts and more pajama bottoms. 

“Doctor, you need some trousers or jeans you know.”

The Doctor eyed the jeans with some disdain. 

“Can I help? What size are you?” Rose asked as she started flipping through the jeans on the rack. 

She heard him mumble something unintelligible and turn towards a rack of dress pants. 

“What did you say?” 

“I don’t know!” he said a little too harshly. 

Rose was stunned for a second and then stifled a laugh. “Well someone can measure you,” she said as the Doctor gave her a mortified look, “…or we can just eyeball it,” she added quickly.

Rose grabbed a couple of pairs of dress pants in varying measurements and pushed him in the direction of the dressing room. 

She wandered through the racks of clothing while she waited for the Doctor to come back. She eyed a pair of slim fitting jeans and wondered how the Doctor would look in them and smiled to herself as the Doctor came back.

“What’s funny?” he asked. 

Rose tried to squelch the smile but failed miserably. “Nothing. So what’s the verdict?”

“I’m a 32x34.” He said rather proudly.

“Well, good to know,” Rose giggled.

The Doctor walked through the racks picking up black dress pants and grey dress pants and brown dress pants. Rose cleared her throat while holding the jeans in her hand and the Doctor frowned.

Rose draped them over his arm adding them to his pile. “Just try them on.” She said as she turned towards a rack of slim fit twill trousers. “What about these? They’re sort of half-way in between dress pants and jeans.”

He considered the pants and nodded in defeat. They walked together to the dressing room and Rose stood awkwardly outside, not sure whether to go in or stay outside or go look at something else until he was done. 

The Doctor disappeared into the dressing room for a moment and then poked his head back out. “Rose, are you coming?”

She smiled to herself and followed him in, sitting in a chair placed just outside his room. She heard the rustle of clothes and the bump of a body part against the wall before she heard the click of a lock and he emerged wearing a pair of the black twill pants, a white button up shirt with a grey tweed jacket and Rose’s mouth went completely dry. She attempted to swallow but just ended up coughing.

The Doctor looked offended, “That bad?” 

Rose quickly responded, “No! It looks really nice. Really nice.”

The Doctor turned around, looking at himself in the mirror at the far end of the room and Rose’s eyes drifted to his bum for a fraction of a second. When her eyes finally drifted back up they met his in the mirror. She had been caught. He had a smug expression plastered on his face which broke into a grin. Rose’s face was hot as she looked down and awkwardly tried to hide behind her hand as she fiddled with the piece of hair. 

“Well…I guess these are all keepers,” he said as he made his way back to his room with Rose rolling her eyes. 

“Try on the jeans,”

“Why? They’re the right size. I don’t need to try them on,” he said, his voice taking on a whining tone.

“Just do it, besides, you might want a different cut or a different wash or something.” 

She heard some muttering and maybe some cursing before he emerged hesitantly from his room. The jeans sat perfectly on his slim hips and were cut in all the right places. There wasn’t a wrinkle or gap anywhere and he had paired them with a grey Henley that he’d left open slightly at the top. . If her mouth had gone dry before then this time she was full on drooling. He walked to the mirror with an unnecessary swing in his hips and Rose kept her eyes firmly on his face as he smiled cheekily at her reflection in the mirror. 

“So?” 

“I don’t hate them,” he said surprised. “They’re actually quite comfortable!”

“Told you!”

The Doctor shook his head at her and disappeared inside the room.

Several pairs of pants and what seemed like every shirt in the store later, Rose was still sitting on the chair while the Doctor finished up. The entire dressing room was quiet. Rose wrinkled her forehead in confusion. She couldn’t even hear the rustle of clothes coming from the Doctor’s dressing room. 

“Doctor, are you alright?”

Silence. Rose got up from the chair and walked to the door and knocked gently. “Doctor?”

She was about to knock again when she heard the click of lock but the door didn’t open. She pushed gently and peered into the room as her breath left her completely. Standing in front of the small mirror, with his jaw set tight was the Doctor, wearing the brown suit that was almost a twin to the other which had left on the TARDIS with the Time Lord Doctor. 

The look on his face could only be described as devastated. His eyes were glassy and refused to move from the mirror. 

“I’m sorry.” Rose whispered. “I thought you’d like it.”

“Well, I don’t want it,” he snapped back. “You don’t have to do this. I’m not him and dressing me up like him isn’t going to change that.”

“I didn’t mean…”

“Don’t. Just don’t Rose,” He barked out at her.

Rose turned and left the dressing room all together. She waited outside leaning against the wall feeling horrible and trying not to let the tears fall. 

He came out a couple of minutes later, his arms full of pants and shirts and blazers but with the glaring absence of a brown suit. She looked at the floor, unable to meet his gaze. 

“Ready?” His voice was flat and so devoid of emotion that it brought a fresh rush of tears that she tried desperately to control. 

“Yep.”

Rose paid and the Doctor carried his bags to Rose’s car. The drive to Rose’s flat was completely silent and the strained tension heightened by the close proximity and cramped confines of Rose’s car. When they pulled up to the curb in front of Rose’s building she all but barreled out of the car, desperate to put some distance between them. He declined when she offered to carry some of the bags. To avoid the tiny elevator and the lack of space, she opted to climb the 4 flights of stairs to her flat. 

Rose dug the keys out of her pocket and unlocked the door which opened between the small dining room and living room. She placed her keys on a small table just inside the door and stepped aside so the Doctor could enter. He glanced around awkwardly and she suddenly felt extremely self-conscious.

She gestured past the dining room, “The kitchen is through there.” She walked across the living room to a door at the opposite end which opened to a small hallway with the Doctor following her. Directly across from the living room was a bathroom which she showed him. She turned to the left and stopped at a door that was straight ahead. 

“You can put your things in here. I’ll clean out that closet. There’s not much in there anyway but you can have it.” He walked into the room and set his bags on the bed. She gestured to the door to the left of his. “And that’s my room.” She said awkwardly. 

“There are towels in the closet in the hallway. And feel free to use whatever you need.”

He turned towards her and said quietly, “Thanks.”

“Are you hungry? I can order take-away. There is a really good Chinese restaurant just down the street.” 

“That’s fine,” he said flatly. 

“Okay, well, I’ll go do that now. Make yourself at home,” she said as she turned and walked towards the kitchen. 

She let out a breath that she was sure she’d been holding since they had left Hendrick’s and ordered Chinese. 

Rose puttered around the kitchen for a while, cleaning up the mug that had been left by the sink and wiping off the counter just to give herself something to do. She heard the Doctor walk to the living room but she didn’t know if she wanted to face him just yet. There was a knock on the door about 15 minutes later and she grabbed her wallet to pay the delivery guy.

She brought forks, knives and napkins into the living room along with the food and set it on the coffee table in front of the Doctor who had taken off his jacket and sat in a side chair in just his trousers and t-shirt. The Doctor commented on how good the Chinese was but other than that they ate in silence with the Doctor in a chair and Rose on the couch.

"We can get groceries tomorrow," Rose said as she got up from the couch. "Would you like some tea?"

He looked up from his Chinese and nodded his head yes. Rose walked to the kitchen and turned on the electric kettle and leaned back against the cupboard pinching the bridge of her nose. She just wanted to be back to their playful banter from this afternoon, before the suit and the outburst and the words that kept replaying in her mind. 

She poured water into their mugs and carefully carried them into the living room where the Doctor was just finishing off his chicken Lo Mein. She set one of the mugs in front of him and placed hers on the coffee table next to her mostly uneaten Sweet and Sour Chicken. As she sank down on the couch he rose from his chair, picked up the Chinese carton and disappeared into the kitchen for a moment. Rose paused with her fork half-way to her mouth as he made his way back to the coffee table to pick up his mug and made no movement to sit back down. She put her fork down and looked up at the Doctor, wordlessly pleading with him to say something to make everything better. 

The Doctor looked back at her sadly and then finally spoke. “I’m going to bed.” 

Her heart immediately dropped to her feet and her bottom lip started to quiver as he made his way towards his room. 

He stopped momentarily in the doorway but didn’t turn around. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

The door to his room clicked shut before her thoughts could catch up. She couldn’t cry, she couldn’t scream and it felt like she would never move from this position; eyes on the doorway where he had just been and clenching her bottom lip between her teeth so hard that she expected to taste blood. Everything she should do rushed to her mind: go after him, tell him that she was sorry and tell him that she wasn’t trying to make him into the Doctor because he was the Doctor! But she didn’t move. She sat there until her tea was cold. 

She finally moved when she had to use the loo. She put her barely touched Chinese in the fridge, locked the front door and turned off the lights. Once inside her room she changed into a pair of sleep shorts and a vest top and crawled into bed. She was exhausted in every way possible; physically, mentally and emotionally, but sleep didn’t come. Her eyes traced the shadows on the ceiling and her mind wandered to the other Doctor, the Time Lord, stuck in the other universe. She laid there and worried about him and then she cursed him in her mind for putting her in this unknown territory. 

Rose’s head jerked towards the door as she thought she heard a voice. Her ears strained through the darkness but she heard nothing more and turned over onto her side. A moment later she heard a thud and a shout coming from the guest room. She sat straight up and threw the covers off before creeping out of her room towards the Doctor. Silent as she could, she cracked the guest room door open and peered through the gap. There, in the glow from the city lights seeping through the window was the Doctor, clearly asleep. If there had been more light she would have seen white knuckles as he gripped at the sheets in desperation. His head thrashed back and forth on his pillow and he let out a whimper. 

Her hand went to push the door open further but she stopped. Her first instinct was always to run to him and comfort him but she pressed her back into the wall just outside his door and slid down it, her knees coming up to her chest and her head reclining back onto the wall. The tears slipped silently down her cheeks as his words from earlier that day ran through her mind, drowning out his dream induced cries. “Don’t, just don’t.”


	3. Midnight Snack

The first thing he did when he woke up, before he had even opened his eyes, was to reach out with his Time Lord senses and try to analyze the relevant time lines that were in close proximity to him. It was a bit of a defense mechanism; allowing him a few moments of conscious thought and anticipation before his captors or enemies or companions were aware of him being awake. But on this morning, he did it more out of habit. He was met with fuzzy strings of possibilities, stretching and tangling haphazardly around his mind. Those few moments of blissful ignorance were gone and reality came crashing down, He was human. The morning light squeezing through the curtains momentarily blinded him, as he cracked his eyes open and surveyed his surroundings. 

The room was decorated in creams and beiges. There was well worn hardwood floor in here as well as the rest of the apartment. The bed, a small bedside table and a wooden dresser with a clock and a small picture frame carefully arranged on the top, were the only furniture in the room. His bags were thrown on the floor in frustration just in front of the closet. 

The Doctor’s sleep had been fitful. Dreams full of Donna’s burning mind and a TARDIS that was slowly slipping away had plagued him through the night. Several times he had woken up, his half human body covered in sweat and tangled in the sheets, struggling to grasp onto something solid.

He laid there and let the quiet wash over him, wanting to bask in the peaceful moments before the breathing and speaking and walking on eggshells began. He let out a deep breath and scrubbed a hand down his face.

The click of a door somewhere in the apartment drifted through the walls and his mind immediately went to Rose. He suddenly had the urge to run to her in the next room and cling to her, to reassure himself that she was here, but something held him d0wn like a weight, sinking his body further into the mattress. He tried to slog through the feelings that burdened his mind, the primary one being overwhelming guilt. This wasn’t what Rose wanted; he wasn’t what Rose wanted. She wanted a Time Lord in a blue box, not a part-human obligation.

He finally hoisted himself up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. After rummaging through the bags of clothes on the floor, he settled on a pair of tan corduroys and a navy sweater, which he tossed on the bed. As he was gathering his shampoo, razor and shave cream there was a tentative knock on the door. He slowly opened it, wearing his flannel bottoms and white undershirt, to Rose standing in the hallway, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot. The Doctor tried to smile warmly at her, wanting to put them both at ease after his outburst yesterday. She returned his smile but didn’t quite pull it off. It was a sense he had acquired from years of watching her. He always knew when her body language wasn’t matching her true feelings. 

 

“I have to go into Torchwood for a bit to take care of a couple of reports. Um, I popped out for coffee which is on the counter if you want it, and there are some donuts there for you too, if you’re hungry.”

“Thanks.” He turned back into the room to grab for his clothes and his shoes. “I could go with you and then we could go to the store, maybe out to lunch?” 

“No, I just…it’s not going to take long at all. I’m literally going to be there for as little time as possible. You can stay and get ready and eat and I’ll come back for you. It’s not that far and then we can go to lunch and then go to the store”

Her words stopped his movements and his single human heart clenched. The familiar burn of panic started to climb up his throat. Turning towards the door nodding his head awkwardly he got the wrong words to leave his mouth, “Okay, that’s fine.” 

The thought of her leaving him alone sent spasms of terror shooting through him.

Rose turned away from him and continued the conversation as she was walking towards the door. “I left my mobile on the counter in case you need anything. You can just call Torchwood, it’s in the contacts, and they’ll find me. I’ll be back soon.”

He was at a loss for words to make her stay or take him with her or, at the very least, turn around. All she would have had to do was turn around and she would have seen the fear gnawing at him; it was written all over his face. But the door clicked shut as he took a helpless step out of the hallway and into the living room and she was gone.

The Doctor walked into the kitchen, where his coffee was waiting, and took a sip and then another. The apartment was too quiet without Rose’s presence. She had always filled the dark corners of his mind and rounded out his sharp edges. He sat down awkwardly at the kitchen table, to finish his coffee and eat his donut. His fingers tapped the table absentmindedly in a pessimistic cadence as his eyes scanned the counters. His eyes landed on the blender sitting between the sink and the stove and his mind began to wander. 

 

A while later, he heard the front door being pushed open and then Rose’s keys being dropped into the blue bowl by the door. 

“Hey! Sorry I took so long. Are you getting hungry? There is a pizza joint just down the…” He heard the words trail off as she rounded the corner into the kitchen and stopped. He became nervous and fidgety as her mouth opened slightly. 

“Before you freak out, this blender was a bit rubbish, you have to admit.” He smiled at her. “It couldn’t even crush a banana!”

Rose looked like she was about to burst. The Doctor braced himself for the yelling but was surprised when a smile cracked through her angry facade. 

He let out a relieved breath,“But now, this blender has so much power that it could cook soup!”

There was a beat of confusion when Rose’s brow wrinkled. She looked from the blender to the Doctor and then suspiciously back to the blender. “I’m sorry…why am I cooking soup in a blender? I have a stove.”

“Ah…yes. But you could cook your soup in this blender,” he said enthusiastically as he stood up.

Rose stammered, “I just…I don’t…”

“Rose, what if your stove breaks and you have a cold and you really need soup? Now you can cook it in your blender!”

The Doctor met her eyes and saw the look of defeat in her eyes. “Nevermind. I take it you still need to shower?” 

The Doctor’s hand went to his hair which was still styled from his tossing and turning the night before. As he pulled his hand away he cringed at the residue on his hand. 

“Rose…my hair has grease in it. How rubbish is that?” 

Rose smiled at him and pushed him gently towards the shower. “And that is exactly why you need to shower. So we can go eat! I’m starving!”

He trudged to the bedroom to grab his clothes and his toiletries while considering the buildup of grease in his hair and shuddered. He had never had grease in his hair. It was a vile drawback to his part-human body and he was less than pleased. As he lathered his hair the doubts started to encroach on his mind again. It was getting harder and harder to act like everything was fine. He could distract himself with tinkering, but Rose only had so many appliances. On the TARDIS, he had been able to hide away in the bowels of the ship when they had gotten too close or when the things that weighed on him had gotten to be too much. Now, with his part-human condition and close proximity, he had no where to run.

After his shower, when he was carefully combing his hands through his hair to achieve his usual artful disarray, Rose came to lean against the doorframe.

He immediately noticed a small smile playing on her lips. He waited for her to say something, feeling self-conscious and edgy under her intense stare. He fidgeted with the bottle of hair gel and questioned uneasily, “Yes?”

Her smile grew as she replied. “Nothing.” 

He returned a small grin and went back to messing with his hair. 

“So, I talked with Dad about some things,” Rose said hesitantly.

Their eyes met in the mirror and he frowned nervously at her serious expression.

"Okay…should I be worried? Your face looks like I should be worried."

"Everything is fine. He just brought up some good points."

He calmly put the hair gel on the counter and turned towards her fully. “Are you going to tell me or am I going to have to drag it out of you?”

"Well, I'm going to take some time off. I have plenty of vacation days that I haven't ever taken." 

His brow wrinkled in concern, "Don't take time off on my account."

"I'm not. I want to take some time. So much has happened and I just...I'd rather be here right now."

The Doctor watched Rose fidget with the button on her sweater, her gaze fixed on the floor. He could tell there was more. "And?"

“You’re going to need identification and…a name. Pete said he’ll take care of everything he just needs to know the details”

He took a deep breath, his eyes lifted to the ceiling like he was searching for something. “Yes…who do I want to be. That is the question.”

“It’s just a name on a piece of paper. You’ll still be the Doctor. It’s just for appearances. It won’t change anything.” 

His eyes locked with Rose as he tried to make her words sink in but they never broke the surface. Things had changed. Everything had changed. He brushed off the feelings of insecurity and looked at Rose with enthusiasm that he didn’t feel. 

“So, you said pizza,” he said as he stepped passed Rose and out of the bathroom. He could feel her eyes follow him with concern and confusion. He scooped up his shoes off the bedroom floor and perched himself on the side of the bed to slide them on. As he was getting up, his eyes met the suit, folded neatly on top of the dresser. The Doctor rubbed the familiar fabric, which was becoming more foreign by the minute, between his fingers. He wanted to leave it behind him; to move forward. Pulling a drawer out, he stuffed the suit inside and slowly closed it.

The Doctor turned and walked to the door where Rose was waiting for him. He jumped in to fill the silence so Rose wouldn’t ask questions.

“What kind of Pizza do you want,” he asked as he bounced down the stairs.

“Oh no, every time I pick pizza flavors, you end up complaining about them for a week. I’m not subjecting myself to that this time. You pick!”

“But Rose, I don’t know what I want. These taste buds are new,” he paused and continued quietly, “and human. What if I like anchovies now? Or pineapple?”

They had emerged from Rose’s apartment building and onto the street. Rose walked along happily beside him, looking so at peace. “Well…that is a moot point because we are not getting anchovies on our pizza, or pineapple. Yuck.”

As she finished her sentence, her hand slipped easily into his and his entire body tensed momentarily before he relaxed into the familiar feeling of Rose’s hand in his. Her tiny hand grounded him and made him feel a little less frazzled. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her glance up at him. Not being able to find the courage to meet her gaze, he kept his eyes forward, glancing into shop windows and watching the faces of the people walking past them.

After a couple minutes of walking, Rose turned into a small shop and were greeted by two men yelling “Rosie!”

Rose greeted them, chatting easily but extremely vaguely about what she had been up to. The Doctor glanced around at the pictures on the wall, feigning disinterest in the conversation. He chose a booth on a wall to the left of the door and eased into it as Rose continued to chat. It was one of the things he had always admired and adored about her. She could have a chat with anyone. Alien or human, it didn’t matter, she found something in common with every being they met. He was still wrapped up in his admiration when she slid into the booth with two menus. He looked through the choices slowly, glancing at Rose every so often. He felt her looking at him as he was finishing examining the dessert options and met her eyes peeking over her menu. He couldn’t see her mouth but he could tell she was smiling behind the paper. 

“Well? See anything you’d like?” As she finished her sentence, her cheeks became the most adorable shade of pink and she ducked her head down almost imperceptibly. 

He inwardly smiled. “Well, why don’t you give me some opinions. You’re the one who has eaten here before”

“Well, whatever you get, it has to go on the Garlic bread crust. It’s to die for! The specialty pizzas are great but I think the build-your-own is the way to go.”

“Okay then, Rose Tyler. How do you feel about sausage on this pizza?”

She smiled and let out a breathy giggle. “I like sausage.”

“Sausage it is then.”

“And banana peppers.” Rose added seriously.

The Doctor’s eyes glazed over with what could only be described as lust. He swallowed thickly, “Banana…peppers?”

Rose stared at him, clearly shocked. “You’ve never had banana peppers?”

"No, I’ve never had banana peppers and I do not know how. Does it taste like a banana? As much as I do love bananas, they don’t really sound very appetizing on a pizza do they?"

Rose giggled. “No, they don’t really taste like a banana. I think they got their name more from their looks. They’re a sweet pepper and they have a bit of a vinegar taste.”

"Oh, well, then you would like them, miss ‘I like to drown my chips in vinegar’!"

Rose was still arguing the merits of salt and vinegar chips when the waiter came to their table. Rose ordered their sausage and banana pepper pizza and they each ordered a coke.

They sat in companionable silence until the Doctor spoke awkwardly, “So how is Torchwood?”

Rose’s face scrunched up at his question. “Are you mad?”

"About what?"

"Oh come off it. I know how you feel about Torchwood. You don’t have to pretend."

He leaned towards her across the table and met her eyes resolutely, making sure that she heard his next words. “I trust you. You wouldn’t be working there if they weren’t different from the other Torchwood.”

Her mouth quirked up and then she became serious again. “I’ve done a lot of good things. I’ve helped a lot of aliens.” He heard the shakiness in her next breath before she continued. “I teach seminars about how to deal with and relate to different species.”

He felt his face break out into a full grin. His tiny pink and yellow human had done exactly what the Doctor had asked and hoped that she would do. She had led a fantastic life. He looked down at her hand resting on top of the table and slowly covered it with his own. “I’m so proud of you.”

It was at that moment that the waiter appeared with their pizza and Coke. The Doctor picked up a piece the second it was on the table. Rose tried to stop him but wasn’t able to before his mouth was on fire. He sucked in air and rolled the pizza around in his mouth trying to not let it rest in any one spot for too long. Rose picked up his drink and thrust it into his hands. He swallowed drink after drink until the pizza had been swallowed and his mouth felt a little more normal. 

Rose sat across from him with her lips pinched together, obviously trying her best not to laugh. 

He shot her a sarcastic smile, “Hey Rose, the pizza is hot!”

She laughed until tears ran down her face and he quickly found himself laughing with her. He had missed a lot of things about traveling with Rose but this was one he missed most; hearing her laugh. 

Finally she quieted and asked, “How were the banana peppers?”

He mock glared at her across the table. “I wasn’t able to taste it on account of my mouth being on fire.” 

Rose tried to cover another giggle with her hand, but failed miserably. They talked easily through lunch with the Doctor demanding that they find some banana peppers at the store and Rose telling him about Tony and a few of the scrapes that her and Mickey had gotten into while working for Torchwood.

After they had finished, paid the bill and Rose had said goodbye to the pizza guys, they stepped out into the warm afternoon sun. His hand reached instinctively for hers as they turned towards the supermarket. The Doctor pushed the trolley while Rose strategically went from aisle to aisle selecting food and placing it in the basket. The Doctor got distracted in the fruit aisle after he had piled their trolley with bananas. 

“Oh Rose, look at these grapefruits! We should get some of these!”

“You hate grapefruit,” she said, clearly confused.

“I do not! I quite like a nice, ripe grapefruit.”

“Um, no you don’t. We were on that planet with the blue sun and that horrible woman, who wouldn’t stop flirting with you, gave you a fruit basket and you chucked all of the grapefruit and said, ‘That vile fruit is not coming on the TARDIS’.”

“Well, these look lovely and they sound delicious so I’m getting a few,” he said as he placed the fruit in a plastic bag. He turned back towards Rose who was leaning over the front bar of the trolley, looking exhausted. 

Her head popped up as he placed the grapefruit into the basket. “I think we’re done. There’s no way we’re going to eat all of this food!”

He stood in the queue next to Rose, making comments and laughing at the headlines of the gossip magazines before Rose paid and they began their walk back to Rose’s apartment. 

Once they were back inside the quiet of Rose’s apartment with the groceries put away and two cups of tea on the coffee table in front of them, Rose curled up in the corner of the couch with a book and promptly fell asleep. He sat in a chair with his feet up, mindlessly watching the television until he dozed off himself. 

They woke up a couple of hours later in time to eat a little something, watch a movie, talk about how tired they were and finally go to bed around 9:30. 

Once in bed, he fell asleep quickly but woke up in the middle of the night to the weird sensation of his stomach growling. He laid there staring into the dark, debating about getting up to get something to eat until his stomach let out another loud growl. 

He quietly slipped out of bed and carefully crept down the hallway towards the kitchen. The flat was completely silent except for the ticking of the clock in the living room. He felt his way through the door to the kitchen and was relieved that the light on the refrigerator cast some light in the room. As he walked towards the refrigerator, a loud bang rang through the room just as pain shot up his right foot. He had misjudged the distance between the fridge and the island. Cursing quietly, he sank to the floor with his back against the fridge and massaged his foot. 

He heard quick footsteps coming down the hallway and then Rose’s sleepy whisper. 

“Doctor? What are you doing? Are you okay?”

He groaned, “I was getting a midnight snack and no Rose, I think my toe is broken.”

“Your toe is not broken. It will feel better in a mo’.”

He rocked back and forth, his leg bent up at an awkward angle and his hand still clutching his foot. “How do you know?”

“Because, it just will. Trust me”

“And what about my tongue? It still hurts!”

Rose laughed quietly. “No, that’s going to be around for days!”

His mouth set itself into a sneer at this news. 

She sank down across from him with her bare legs outstretched next to his. She had on shorts and a vest top with a blanket wrapped snuggly around her. The refrigerator light gave her skin a bluish tint, like she was glowing. She reached up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and yawned. 

“I’ve been thinking about a name,” he said quietly. 

She remained quiet, her eyes locked on his, allowing him to continue if he chose to. 

“What do you think about John?”

She replied in almost a whisper, “It’s your choice. I’m still going to call you Doctor.” 

He ducked his head to stare at his still throbbing foot. “And I was thinking about Noble for the last name, because of Donna.” 

He could just make out the nod of her head in the dark of the kitchen and then she sat still. 

“What do you think?” he asked hesitantly.

“I think your name should be Rickey,” she said with a grin.

“Funny.”

She sighed and then said, “Like I said, it doesn’t matter to me. No matter what your ID says, you’re still the Doctor.” 

Rose dropped the blanket to the floor and stood up. He heard her moving stuff around on the counter and she began cutting something. When she returned, she had cut up the grapefruit that he had picked out. He smiled and popped a piece into his mouth and immediately spit it back into his hand. 

“Ugh, Rose that is horrible!” 

He felt the eye roll. “I told you!” 

She reached up to the counter and grabbed a bag of crisps and almost threw them at him. “I guess you haven’t changed that much then!”


	4. Identity Crisis

The next few days passed in relative quiet. They established a rhythm between them that was similar, but different from the one Rose had had with the full Time Lord Doctor, when they had been traveling on the TARDIS. The main difference being that there was a lot of talking. The Doctor told Rose about his travels with Martha and Donna and Rose talked about her Torchwood adventures. Both of them purposefully left out their darkest moments, not wanting to upset the careful accord they had established.

They filled their daylight hours by going for walks, eating frozen yogurt in the park and setting the building smoke detectors off by trying to cook cornish hens. The Doctor coolly blamed his bad cooking skills on Donna’s DNA, until Rose reminded him of a certain Birthday Cake fiasco, after which the TARDIS had locked the kitchen doors for 2 weeks as punishment. The Doctor’s face had gone crimson in defeat, as Rose reached for a take-out menu. 

During the evening hours they lounged on the couch with Rose’s feet propped up on the Doctor’s lap while she watched TV and he read, or vice-versa. A few of these nights had ended with the Doctor lazily tracing patterns on the top of Rose’s foot. Sometimes his hand inched up her ankle to just under the cuff of her jeans. She lay on the couch, trying to appear the picture of relaxation and indifference, while every touch of his hand was winding her tighter and tighter until she bolted up from the couch announcing that she had to go to bed. These nights left him reeling in suspicion and confusion.

The Doctor’s moments of panic still came, but they seemed to be fewer and further apart. For every moment of trepidation, there were two of complete and utter contentment. When he started to slip into that chasm of dread and self-doubt, Rose was there to drag him back out. She was his constant, calm, quiet reassurance and he reveled in her. 

Currently he was sipping tea while sitting on the couch with a book in his lap. Rose sat across the room at the dining room table, her back to him, typing away at her computer. She had told Pete, despite his objections, that she would be taking a couple of weeks away from the office while the Doctor “adjusted”. Her typing paused when her phone started to buzz on the table. She glanced at the screen and then answered. 

“Hello Mum.”

He hated only being able to hear her side of the conversation. Not that he really wanted to listen to Jackie talk, but he always felt so impatient and out of the loop as he waited impatiently for her to get off the phone. 

Rose turned sideways, with her arm resting on the back of the chair, to look at him.

“I don’t think we have anything going on,” she said as a silent question to him as well as an answer to her mother. 

He looked at her incredulously. What in the world would he have going on that she wouldn’t know about? They had barely left each other’s sides in the past week and he didn’t know anyone outside of Rose and her family. 

She shrugged her shoulders at him noncommittally at him as if to say “What? I was just checking,” and suppressed a giggle.

Rose turned away from him, continuing the conversation with her Mother. The Doctor kicked his feet up on the coffee table and looked back down at his book. He zoned out for a few minutes, keeping his focus on the words in front of him rather than on Rose’s voice.

Her words didn’t register until he was sitting up straighter from his place on the couch, dropping his book on the floor at the words, “We’ll see you tonight then.”

Rose turned in her chair and rested her chin on the back of it as she smiled sweetly at him. “So…funny thing…Mum invited us for dinner tonight,” she said as she batted her eyelashes at him. Her next words ran together as if she was hoping he wouldn’t notice them, “And I said yes.”

The Doctor tried to focus on the air he was forcing in and out of his lungs instead of the rising panic. This was the sort of domestic thing that he had avoided at all costs in the past. He looked at Rose, who sat looking worriedly back at him, and he knew he was going to give in.

His mouth turned up in a smile. “If I go to dinner with you, what do I get out of it?”

“Well, Mister, Mum may have requested a banana dessert from her cook, just for you,” she looked away from him, a look of mirth in her eyes, “But if you don’t want to go I’m sure I can eat your portion too.”

“No, no, I’ll go, especially if Jackie isn’t cooking!”

Rose stood up from the table, made her way over to the couch and sat down next to him. She smiled at him with a look of complete sincerity as she laid her hand on top of his. “Thank you.”

XxXxX

He was surprised when they pulled up to the Tyler house that evening.

“This isn’t the same house. Did Pete move?”

“Yeah, they moved about a month after Mum and I…got here. They said they needed a fresh start. Pete didn’t have good memories of the other house and Mum said she didn’t want to be haunted by the other Jackie, so they moved.”

Rose walked through the front door, not bothering with the doorbell. They were met with the flash of a blond 5-year-old before he barreled into Rose. She bent to pick up Tony and perched him on her hip.

“Hey Tony! There’s someone I want you to meet.” She turned herself and Tony towards the Doctor who was just closing the door. 

He was struck by how much Tony looked like his sister, with his brown eyes, wide mouth and toothy grin. The only glaring difference between Rose and Tony were the glasses perched on the little boy’s nose. 

Rose smiled, “Tony, this is the Doctor.”

Tony eyed the Doctor suspiciously for a moment before speaking.

“Hello,” Tony said in a small voice.

The Doctor smiled and reached out his hand, which Tony shook hesitantly, “Nice to meet you Tony. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Tony’s eyes lit up, along with his smile, but before they could talk anymore they were interrupted by Jackie and Pete. Jackie hugged Rose and then the Doctor. 

Pete shook the Doctor’s hand firmly, “Would you like a drink?”

The Doctor looked nervously at Rose who smiled at him in reassurance before he followed Pete into his office. 

“How are you doing,” Pete asked as he shut the door behind the Doctor.

“I’m fine.”

“Somehow I doubt that’s the complete truth,” Pete said as he handed the Doctor a drink and then made one for himself. 

He looked at the floor sheepishly, not wanting to go into detail. 

“Rose told me the name you chose and I had your identification made up. I didn’t think the rest would matter much to you, so I guessed. If you want anything changed, I can have it taken care of.”

 

The Doctor took the I.D. card from Pete and looked down at the piece of plastic that declared him to be a 35-year-old male who lived in London and nothing more. He was a human whose identity could be summed up on a 3 inch by 2 inch piece of plastic.

Pete then handed him a bank book with a debit card. “And this is the bank account that I put your wages in, from the last time you were here.” 

“Pete, that’s really not…”

“Don’t argue. You saved the world and that’s worth something. I switched the account over to your name. There should be about thirty-five thousand pounds in there by now.”

The Doctor stuttered for a moment before practically shouting, “What?”

“I also wanted to talk to you about a job,” Pete said as the blood started to rush in the Doctor’s ears. “I don’t know what you had planned to do but Torchwood could really use your knowledge. I don’t have a specific position in mind but you can let me know to what capacity you’d like to be involved and we’ll make a position for you, if need be.”

“Pete…this is all…very generous but I don’t think…”

Pete interrupted before he could object any more, “The way I see it, you saved the world, gave me this Jackie, a son by default, a daughter I never had, and then saved two worlds again, and brought my girls back to me, so from where I’m standing, I owe you a hell of a lot more than this.”

The Doctor swallowed thickly and glanced anxiously around the room. When Rose had asked him if he was okay with her working at Torchwood, he hadn’t lied. He really was okay with it. But being okay with himself working there was another issue entirely. His skin was crawling and his feet were tingling with restless energy; ready to run the second something spooked him. He managed to sit himself down on a chair in front of Pete’s desk. The Doctor’s hands gripped the edge of the chair.

“I…I think I need to think about it Pete, if you don’t mind.”

Pete smiled and shook his head almost imperceptibly, “Take all of the time you need, the offer will still be there when you’re ready.”

The Doctor sat in Pete’s office staring into the strong amber liquid inside of his glass without really seeing anything. His mind was standing still and racing at the same time.

Pete said something about checking on the girls and walked out of the room leaving the Doctor with his blind panic and sweaty palms. He tried to gather himself; to get his feet back underneath him. Logically, he knew he would have to get a job at some point, and honestly, the Torchwood job seemed like the perfect solution for him. But, up until this point he had been surviving on a steady diet of denial. The second he accepted the job, all of his coping mechanisms would disappear, including the fictitious fantasy that he was only here to rescue Rose from the day to day life that he now found himself sentenced to. 

The Doctor stood up from the chair and trudged across the hall to lean against a wall, just inside the kitchen. He watched from a distance as Rose counted out 5 forks and 5 spoons and handed them to Tony, who then placed them in the correct places on the table with instruction from Rose. Pete tried to sneak a taste of something that was in a pan on the stove, much to the annoyance of Jackie, who swatted his hand away as she chatted with the cook. He took a sip of his drink just as he caught Rose’s concerned eyes over the rim of his glass. 

Her faint smile faded as she held his gaze from across the room. The look only lasted a few seconds but so much was shared in that short time. All of the talking that had taken place in the previous days paled in comparison to this moment of complete vulnerability. He saw the shift of her eyes, the moment she realized he was a long way from being okay. She placed the napkins on the counter and made her way around the table to where he was still leaning against the wall. She didn’t move to touch him or to speak, she just stood next to him; her hand so close to his own that he could feel the warmth.

Jackie carried a bowl of something to the table and told Tony to sit in his place at the table before sitting herself next to him. Pete sat at the head of the table with Jackie to his left. 

Jackie started spooning potatoes onto Tony’s plate. “Come eat you two.”

Rose made her way to the table, with the Doctor following her, and took her seat to the right of Pete as the Doctor sat in the chair next to her. The Doctor filled his plate like he was expected to, even though the sight and smell of food was making him nauseous. He choked down a few pieces of pork and picked at his potatoes and cooked carrots. Jackie joked with him that she was going to make him eat his veggies, much to Tony’s delight. 

The dinner conversation was as normal as it could be with a part human alien seated next to two people who helped aliens for a living. Jackie tried to steer the topics towards more normal things but somehow it usually made it back to aliens or Torchwood or both and Tony dominated the rest. 

The Doctor had finished eating and pushed his plate towards the center of the table signaling that he was done. He leaned back listening to Pete and Rose discuss an upcoming Torchwood training session when Tony started talking.

“So, do I get to see the TARDIS now?”

The Doctor immediately froze, unable to meet anyone’s eyes. The entire table lapsed into complete silence; unwilling and unable to answer Tony’s question. 

Rose finally broke the silence. “Tony, the Doctor doesn’t have the TARDIS.”

“But you said the Doctor always has the TARDIS.”

He felt Rose’s hand on his knee, trying to anchor and comfort him as she answered her little brother’s questions. 

“He was separated from the TARDIS and he can’t get it back.”

“Oh.”

“What about the sonic screwdriver?”

“Sorry bud,” Rose responded sadly.

Tony slumped in his seat, clearly disappointed at the lack of a time traveling ship and sonic screwdriver.

The Doctor stood from the table and walked unsteadily out of the room. He passed through Pete’s den and out onto the back patio, breathing deeply when the night air hit his lungs. He stood looking out into the dark, feeling the panic overwhelm him. A few minutes later he heard the door click shut and he knew that Rose had followed him out. 

Neither one of them spoke for several minutes. He finally heard Rose walk closer to him until she stood even with him.

“Are you okay?”

He squeezed his eyes shut before speaking. “He’s right. The Doctor would have the TARDIS.”

“I’m sorry. I told him stories about you and…”

“Him.”

There was a beat of silence before Rose asked confused, “What?”

“Him. You told Tony stories about him. About the Doctor and the TARDIS.”

“You are the Doctor,” Rose said quietly.

“You heard him Rose. The Cost was me. You fought so hard to get back to him, the TARDIS, all of time and space. You didn’t fight to get back to me or to be stuck on earth for the rest of your life.”

He could see Rose’s eyes shining with tears in what little light came from the house. He felt horrible for making her cry but it needed to be said. He was tired of pretending and ignoring reality. 

“Doctor…I…”

He dropped his I.D. on the patio table and turned to head back into the house. 

“My name is John.”


	5. Allons-y

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to starsovergallifrey for being my awesome beta!

Rose watched the Doctor disappear back inside of Pete’s office and her heart shattered inside of her chest. She stood there, unmoving, staring at the spot that he had just occupied. Not realizing she’d been holding her breath, she desperately gulped the cool night air in panic. Her breathing normalized as she allowed herself to sink onto the bench overlooking the garden. Instinctively, her arms wrapped around her torso like armor as she shook with silent sobs.

She was tired. She was tired of holding herself together while everything else fell apart. But the most debilitating thing was having the Doctor right in front of her without really having him back. It had nothing to do with her doubts or beliefs on who he was. She knew down to her very core that he was the Doctor. Everything that had made her fall in love with him was there; she could feel it surging just below his surface. The kindness, the passion, the fierceness, the wit and the whimsy; it was all still there. If only he could see that what made him her Doctor wasn’t the TARDIS or the sonic screwdriver or all of space and time at his beck and call.

Rose’s eyes drifted to the dark sky above her. It was moments like these that she wished she didn’t live in London. All she wanted right now was to play connect the dots with the stars, but she couldn’t see them. The sky was too bright and noisy and busy and polluted. Suddenly, it all felt so suffocating. She needed distance and quiet. She needed space. 

Rose wiped her cheeks of the tear residue and took a cleansing breath. She pulled herself together and steeled her resolve as the overwhelming need to get away took hold.

Everyone except the Doctor looked up as she entered the dining room. She locked eyes with her mother, willing her not to make a fuss when she said what she was about to. 

Her voice was firm and determined and full of purpose. “We’re leaving.”

The Doctor’s head snapped up at her declaration, confusion and concern written over every pore of his face. “But we haven’t even had dessert.”

Pete glanced down at his phone, “Everything all right? It isn’t work is it?”

“No, it’s not work. We just have to go.”

Jackie pushed back from the table calmly. “I’ll box you up some dessert.”

Rose crouched beside little Tony who sat in his chair staring at his uneaten carrots. “I’m sorry we had to cut dinner short little man. I’ll come back soon and we’ll have a Rose and Tony night. That sound okay?”

“Can we get chips and pizza again,” Tony asked.

“Of course we can! What else would we eat?”

Tony slid off his chair and threw his arms around Rose’s shoulders, squeezing tightly. He pulled back, glancing across the table at the Doctor before leaning in to whisper in Rose’s ear, “Can the Doctor come to Rose and Tony night, too?”

Rose’s heart flipped and the tears threatened to come back. “I think he’d like that.” Rose smiled as her little brother climbed back up in his seat and speared a carrot on his fork with a look of disgust. 

Jackie entered the dining room carrying a reusable bag with three containers of food. “I packed you up some dessert as well as some leftovers.” 

Rose hooked her arm through the handle and hugged Jackie tightly, “Thanks, Mum.”

Jackie kissed her quickly on the cheek to conceal the words of encouragement that passed between them. “He’ll be okay, love.”

Their eyes met when they drifted apart. Rose’s chin trembled but she gave her mother a reassuring and confident nod.

Rose hugged Pete before the Doctor trailed Rose quickly out of the front door. 

“Would you like to tell me what’s going on?” The Doctor’s voice was laced with a hint of panic as Rose opened her door and flung the leftovers in the backseat before sliding into her seat and turning the key all in one motion. 

“Well, first we’re going to my flat,” Rose said, deliberately poking at his curiosity and need to know everything.

It was a quiet ride through London, both of them lost in their own anticipation. By the time Rose brought the car to a stop in front of her building, she was vibrating with excitement and an almost crippling amount of nervousness.

Rose ran through her apartment throwing blankets, pillows, flashlights, drinks and sweaters into a large bag which was thrown on the couch. The Doctor stood just inside the door, eyes wide with alarm at Rose’s frantic behavior before she instructed him to go change into some warmer clothes. Rose headed into her room, where she pulled a cream bulky sweater over her head and slipped her feet into her green wellies. 

“Where are we going that I need warmer clothes?” The Doctor asked from the other room.

“You’ll see!”

Rose shoved the bag of blankets into the boot of the car and ran around to buckle herself in.

“Now can you tell…”

Rose cut him off, knowing the words that were coming. “Nope.”

“But Rose,” he whined.

Rose turned to him in the dark confines of the car and gawked at him. “How long did I spend traveling with you when you’d be painfully vague about where we were, when we were, or both? Sometimes you didn’t even know where we were!”

The Doctor sputtered, “That is…”

“Entirely accurate!” Rose finished for him. 

Rose’s hands were firmly on the steering wheel, her eyes on the road as she pointed the car south and out of London on A22.

“Do you trust me, Doctor?”

She felt his eyes on her. It was silent for a beat. She could hear him smile as he answered, “Yes.”

She’d been driving for about an hour and a half when Rose turned off the main road, smiling to herself, knowing that he was really curious now.

They drove for a while longer, winding through the darkness with the coast looming to their south. Rose slowed when she knew they were getting close to where she wanted to be. After another minute she pulled to the side of the road and into a small carpark.

The Doctor sat next to her, clearly confused.

Rose turned and hauled the bag out of the backseat and opened her door. “Allons-y!”

The salty air blew around them from the coast and they could here the swirl of the water below the cliff somewhere in front of them. Their shoes squeaked in the wet grass, which stuck to their shoes as they walked towards the edge. There, Rose stopped and dropped the bag. She bent and pulled out several blankets, spreading them on the ground as the Doctor stood watching her. She piled a couple of pillows at the edge of the blanket and sat herself in the middle, pulling a blanket over herself. When she got situated she turned to the Doctor, who was still standing bewildered next to her. 

Pointedly, she pulled the blanket back enough for him to slide underneath it. “Sit.”

He hesitated but slid in beside her. “Are you going to tell me what’s happening?” he asked uncertainly.

Rose looked down, fiddling with a loose thread on the blanket that lay over their laps. Her face lifted towards the sky above them as she considered her words. 

“I know that you don’t have the TARDIS, and I can’t fix that and I can’t take you to the stars. Her voice was quiet and emotional. She turned to look at him. “But I can make sure that you can see them.”

His lips parted in awe as he noticed the blanket of stars over them. He sat there for a moment gazing upward. Rose saw his arm move just as he draped it over her shoulder. He tugged her close and she felt his lips press gently to her forehead. Her eyes fluttered shut as she breathed him in and relished in the intimacy.

They sat that way for a while; his arm draped over her shoulder, her tucked into his side. He pointed out Corona Borealis in the east and Draco in the north.

Eventually he layed back on the blankets and pulled Rose down with him, her head pillowed on his arm. They laid there in silence watching the galaxy spin slowly around them.

The Doctor turned his face towards Rose, “I feel so small looking at it like this, so insignificant.”

Rose looked up into his eyes searching for something. They had traveled together for so long but so many words had always gone unsaid. She’d always hidden a part of herself, kept the depth of her feelings from him. They’d danced their way around things, running to the next adventure to avoid giving too much of themselves. But they were stuck. Truly stuck. He wasn’t going anywhere and neither was she. So why was she still hiding?

She laid her head down on his chest. “I used to come here after you said goodbye.” She swallowed thickly against those memories. “Sometimes Mum would get to be too much, or work was horrible, or I just needed to feel close to you… so I’d come here and look at the stars.”

Rose felt his lips against her temple as he pulled her towards him She suddenly couldn’t get close enough to him. Her arm looped around him and she snuggled further into his chest. 

“I’m sorry I snapped. I know I’ve said that, but…”

Rose shook her head, “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not,” he said resolutely.

She could feel his voice reverberate through his chest as he spoke. “It just gets so noisy, and I just feel stuck and overwhelmed. ”

Rose propped herself up on her elbow and looked down at him. “I don’t expect you to be okay all of the time. Just…don’t shut me out, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

Her breath caught in her throat as his hand came up to rest on her cheek. His fingers stroked the soft skin beneath her ear and she shivered. She was sure he could feel her heartbeat through the several layers of clothes as he tugged her head down to his. He paused momentarily, ghosting his breath across her delicate skin before their lips met fully. It was soft, timid and matched the vulnerability of the evening perfectly. It wasn’t a long kiss but the emotion contained in those few brief seconds of contact spoke volumes.

When they pulled away, Rose nestled next to him, her head resting on his chest for a few more minutes, not wanting to shatter their quiet reprieve from the rest of the world. In this moment, without responsibilities and apartments and expectations, when it was just them, everything seemed incredibly simple. She knew they’d have to go back to the nightmares and the insecurities; but resting in his arms in the middle of nowhere, it all felt so far away. 

The drive back to London was quiet except for music playing softly through the radio. She clutched his hand trying to hold on to those last few moments of quiet vulnerability. They finally let go when they started seeing the bright lights of London ahead.

The Doctor grabbed the bag of blankets and hoisted it over his shoulder. Rose came around the car and slipped her hand back in his as they climbed the four flights of stairs to their apartment.

Rose changed into pajama pants and a vest before making two cups of tea and placing the two pieces of banana cream pie that Jackie had sent onto saucers. She plopped on the couch to sip her tea and wait for the Doctor to come out of the bathroom. They ate their snack seated next to each other on the couch, legs bumping together in the middle.

Rose yawned and stretched after finishing her pie. She glanced behind her at the clock hanging on the wall which read 1:26 and sighed. “We should go to bed.”

The Doctor held her gaze as he nodded and stroked the soft skin of her ankle with his thumb. 

Reluctantly, Rose pulled her leg away from him and went to take the dishes to the kitchen. The Doctor disappeared into his room as she took her turn in the bathroom. She stood in front of the mirror brushing her teeth with a permanent smile on her face. Just thinking of the man in the other room filled her with a rush of joy. She scrubbed her face free of makeup and opened the door. The Doctor opened his door just as she was walking to her room.

She turned to him just as he took a step towards her. Her arms wrapped automatically around his shoulders when his went around her waist. She felt his head duck down and he buried his face in her shoulder. Rose breathed him in deeply. She would never get enough of this. One of his hands drifted down to her hip as he pulled away ever so slightly. His other hand wrapped around the back of her neck and through her hair as he brought his lips to hers. This kiss was more sure of itself. Her hand went to his cheek as his lips moved ever so slightly on hers. After a moment their lips parted and their foreheads came to rest on each other. Rose’s mouth curled into a smile as he whispered “Thank you.”

She opened her eyes and looked at him and nodded in acknowledgement. 

“Goodnight Doctor.”

Rose climbed into bed feeling lighter and happier than she had since she’d been in this world. She snuggled down under the covers and drifted off to sleep. 

Rose startled awake sometime later. It was still dark outside but it felt like she’d been asleep for quite awhile. She was reaching for her phone to check the time when she heard a muffled cry ring through the apartment. She threw the covers off of her and hurried down the short hallway to the Doctor’s door. This time she didn’t hesitate. Rose snuck into his room silently while he thrashed on the bed. She sat down next to him and tried to nudge him awake.

“Shh. It’s okay, it was a dream,” she comforted as his eyes flew open.

For a moment he just stared blankly at her while he got his bearings. Suddenly he reached for her through the dark and his arms went around her in a desperate hug. Rose scooted more fully onto the bed and slipped her legs under the comforter. She tucked herself into his side and wrapped her arms around him, whispering reassurances that she wasn’t going anywhere, until he relaxed into her.


	6. Gone

 

He had always heard the saying, “It’s the little things.” While traveling the universe, he had come to believe in it. It was always those minute details that had brought him the most joy; ball bearings on a cupcake, local traditions to memorialize a loved one, a shared look, a stolen dance. But it’s in Pete’s World when the saying starts to develop a _different_ meaning. Suddenly it’s the little things that cause the world to close in around him.

On the day that marked two weeks since his arrival in Pete’s world, he got a pimple. No amount of scrubbing would make it go away, and he no longer had the ability to flush his body of excess fluid and oil. He contemplated the likelihood that he would be able to stay in the bathroom until it went away, but he was eventually forced out by Rose’s bladder. His mood didn’t improve until the disturbing red lump had disappeared from his chin.

Four days after the pimple had disappeared, he was back to his old self. The two of them were parked on the couch watching a film, until the internet went out. He rolled his eyes as Rose suggested for the third time that he reset the router.

“It’s not the router, Rose!”

“Trust me, it’s the router. It does this from time to time, and always when I’m trying to watch a film!”

He knelt in front of the router wishing on every star that he could think of that he had nicked the sonic screwdriver when he’d had the chance. Rose finally hoisted herself off the couch with an exasperated sigh. She crossed in front of him and unplugged the router, counted ten seconds sarcastically out loud, and then plugged the power cord back in.  The film started up again as if nothing had happened. Rose walked back to the couch, her hips swaying with self satisfaction. His mental state spiraled for twenty-four hours.

Two days after his mood had finally improved from the internet debacle, the Doctor laid on the couch reading a book. It was a rare, beautiful, sunny Friday. Rose sat at the dining room table paying bills.   
  
“Have you made a decision about Torchwood?”

The Doctor lowered his book so that his eyes, which were slightly wild, met the back of Rose’s head. “What...what do you mean?”

Rose turned herself to sit sideways in her chair. “I mean I know that Pete asked you about working at Torchwood...”

The paralyzing fear and self consciousness that had become his near constant companion since arriving in this universe made everything else fade away. The air left his lungs and he could feel his full human respiratory system try to compensate for his panic.

He could tell Rose was trying to breach the subject carefully, “I know how you feel about the original universe’s Torchwood, but you know that Pete wouldn’t be running something on those ideals.”

He took a deep breath and nodded his head in affirmation.

Rose continued, “And you know that Pete’s Torchwood was founded on the idea that alien beings are to be respected and helped as long as they’re abiding by basic courtesies and intergalactic law?”

He wasn’t still questioning Torchwood. He was questioning himself. It was easy to bounce around space helping out when you had the TARDIS and the sonic screwdriver and several millions of years of technology at your disposal, but stuck earthbound and without his usual arsenal, he felt useless.  

While he was wrapped up in his internal hysteria, Rose had moved across the room and planted herself next to him on the couch. She grabbed his hand to comfort his unease, “And that those ideals are a direct reflection of your own?”

The Doctor searched her eyes desperately for reassurance that he was still the man who had taught her those values and beliefs while traveling across all of time and space. From the beginning, with those daft ears and leather armor, she had looked at him like he hung the moon and every star in the sky with her name on his lips. That faith had always been the steadfast stronghold he needed, and he’d clutched it like a vice grip through the days without her. It kept him moving forward through the misery and relentless memories of a certain white wall. He tried to immerse himself in her unwavering belief in him, in the man he might be, but couldn’t quite pull himself under. And he couldn’t let down Rose Tyler.

His voice was small and lost, “I can’t.”

He knew the exact moment that Rose pulled back emotionally. It wasn’t just the feeling of his fingers slipping out of her grasp. Her mouth fell out of her trademark grin and her eyes lost that mirthful amber tint that was distinctly Rose. It was a turning point, a shift in dynamic, and if he’d been in his original universe, he would have felt the ramifications of this moment reverberate through time. Time was always being rewritten; was always in flux, and he didn’t think he had ever fully understood the weight of that until Rose Tyler. She was the center of his timeline; his touchstone. When it came to her, every touch, every word and every moment was the beginning and end of something else.

Rose put her hands on either side of her hips to steady herself before pushing up from the couch and standing. She treaded carefully as she walked away from him. Stopping in the doorway, she turned back to look at him. 

“Pete’s been having some trouble at work so I’m going back on Monday,” she said quietly before turning the corner to disappear down the hallway.

 The rest of the weekend passed in painful silence. They spent Saturday parked on the couch. His nose was in a book, hers was in her laptop catching up on reports from Torchwood. Both of them periodically stared longingly at the other over their respective activities.

 He wanted to say something; apologize for being a disappointment and just...less. But the words got lost in his stubbornness and his self-doubt. They only spoke about what to make for lunch, what to watch on the telly that evening. Rose disappeared into her room for bed without saying goodnight. He sat there for a while feeling empty. With Rose in her room, there was one white wall separating them, but the emotional distance might as well have been an entire universe.

 He was thankful when Sunday rolled around and they were expected at Jackie and Pete’s for dinner. It was a distraction from everything that was going wrong, and a reprieve from the silence. The noise of Jackie and Tony was like coming up for air after an eternity of drowning. But everything was off. The Doctor knew that Jackie could feel the cold air hovering between him and her daughter. He tried to avoid Jackie’s calculating stare, but it eventually found him over the table. A moment passed between them. Jackie’s eyes narrowed while she studied him and whatever she saw made her eyes soften in sympathy.

 The next morning he woke up to an empty flat. Of course he’d known she wouldn’t be there but the reality of it was so much harsher than he’d imagined. He padded into the kitchen and flipped on the electric kettle to make his morning cuppa. After a moment he noticed a cell phone placed carefully on the counter with a note scrawled in Rose’s handwriting. “ _Call if you need anything. Numbers are in the contacts_.”

 He scrolled through his contacts, which included Rose, Pete, Jackie and Torchwood headquarters. His fingers hovered over Rose’s name but he hesitated and eventually put the phone back down on the counter. Just before the water boiled he pulled out a mug and a tea bag and fixed his tea. He sauntered into the living room and flipped on the morning news. After his tea was gone and the news was replaced by boring mid-day soap operas he just laid there staring in the general direction of the telly.

 His mind wandered to Rose and Torchwood and he desperately wondered what she was doing. Was she happy being back at work and away from him? Was she safe? After he’d lost her at Canary Wharf, he had spent so long trying to find a way to get her back. There had been begging and bargaining to any deity that might be listening that if he could only get her back, he’d never lose her or let her go again.

 Suddenly the air was thick and his eyes were moist. The panic reared it’s ugly head and he was scrambling into the kitchen for his phone. Before he could think it through, Rose was answering his call.   
  
“Doctor?”   
  
Words tumbled from his mouth unbidden,“Hey. Hi. I’m sorry.”   
  
There was silence from Rose’s side for a moment before she spoke, “I know.”

 “I hope you’re having a good day at work.”  
  
He could hear her watery smile through the phone, “I am.”

“Be safe,” he said sincerely.

 “I will.”  
  
“Bye.”   
  
“Bye.”

 It had been a painfully domestic conversation. It felt like the beginning of something; like it could become a tradition. A mid-day conversation to remind her to be safe; to come home to him in one piece. Eventually she’d tell him about her projects, if she could, and he’d ask what she wanted to do for dinner or about plans for the weekend. His mouth quirked into an amused smile. The physical reminders of their domesticity were constantly threatening to force the air out of his lungs, but there were parts of this small day to day life _as it applied to Rose_ , that he could slip easily into.

The rest of the week passed slowly. He spent his days reading or exploring this universe's London. There was more than one kitchen appliance that was taken apart and put back together before Rose got home. He and Rose were just _fine_ . She didn’t mention Torchwood again the rest of the week and he knew she wouldn’t. They cooked dinner together and relaxed in the living room with him commenting on the differences in movies between the two worlds, or telling her what he’d done that day. She didn’t bring work stories home and he wondered if that was because of the classified nature of her work or the state of their relationship.   
  
By Friday he was vibrating with energy. He jumped at every sound coming from outside and ran to the windows to peer out. After the third time in an hour he called Rose, but it rang and then went to voicemail.

The clock on the wall read 1pm. He thought back to the rest of the week. Every day this week, he’d called around this time just to hear her voice and remind himself that she was there. Sometimes he asked her what she wanted for dinner to hide the true reason he called. His mind ran wild with all of the horrible reasons that Rose might not be able to answer her phone and his ears began to ring. His hands combed through his hair and down his face. Huffing out a dramatic breath, he began to chew on his thumb nail, a habit he’d picked up just this week.

 This wasn’t working. Him sitting in this apartment waiting for Rose to come home every evening was driving him nuts. He existed in a state of stasis all day only to spend a couple of uncomfortable hours with her before she went to bed. He obviously knew the solution. He knew the thing that would fill his days with Rose Tyler and some semblance of normalcy. Unfortunately it was the thing he said he couldn’t do just a week ago... but it was becoming a more attractive option with every passing minute.

 By the time 6 o’clock came and went, he had almost decided to call Pete and tell him to sign him up. He had showered, fixed his hair, refixed his hair, gotten some groceries and made spaghetti for dinner. The clock hanging above the sink currently read 6:47. Rose hadn’t been this late all week. She had been a few minutes late on Wednesday but she’d called. His sock clad foot bounced nervously on the floor. He hadn’t heard from her all day.  Pasta sat on the stove drying out and the sauce was long since cold. The Doctor slouched against the counter, looking up at the clock every thirty seconds. He sat up in relief and smiled as he heard a key being hurriedly inserted into the lock.

 Rose burst through the door, “Hey, sorry but we have a situation at Torchwood,” she started towards her bedroom as she continued talking, “there’s a group of Agharians that have somehow made their way to _Finland_ of all places and they’re currently freezing to death around Sirkka. But seriously...what else would you go to Sirkka for?”   
  
He heard her opening drawers hastily and throwing things in a bag.   
  
“But anyway, we’ve got to go get them on their way or that will force an awkward conversation with the Finnish Prime Minister. I mean, he’s a nice guy, but I don’t think he wants to have to deal with a bunch of frozen Agharians!”   
  
He heard the excitement in her voice as she came around the corner pulling her bag behind her. “I just had to come home and get a few things. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, probably just a couple of days. It shouldn’t be too complicated.”   
  
He stood frozen in the kitchen door listening and watching the whirlwind that was Rose Tyler. She hoisted the bag onto her shoulder and looked at him fully for the first time since she’d come in the door. Her eyes were dancing, so full of excitement and anticipation.   
  
“Are you going to be okay?” she asked, the elation never leaving her face.

 “Of course,” he bit out a little too harshly.

 She took a step towards him, went up on her tiptoes and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek, “If you need anything just call Mum.”  
  
And with those final words, she swept out of the flat. The silence was quick and sudden, like she’d never been there at all. His mind was dangerously blank. He wasn’t capable of forming a rational idea. The only wisp of thought he could grasp was _Rose_ and _gone_. His feet carried him across the kitchen to lean on the counter, and his hands gripped it so hard that his knuckles blanched. The spaghetti sat, still untouched, in a glass bowl until he grasped the edge and hurled it at the wall in grief and frustration. The glass shattered, leaving behind a dent in the wall and noodles clinging to the plaster.

  _At least the pasta is done_ , he thought bitterly as he swept the rest of the dishes to the floor.

 He stood staring blankly at the mess, his breaths coming in unmeasured gasps. Stumbling down the hallway with a steadying hand against the wall, he made his way to his bedroom. As he collapsed onto his bed, his shoulders shook with heartbroken sobs. He began repeating a phrase absentmindedly, in a whimper through his ragged breaths. Pulling his mind desperately back from the anguish it was drowning in, he slowly became aware of the words. “ _She said she wouldn’t leave_.” He relaxed into the mattress, his body completely and totally numb to everything around him. Eventually he slipped into a restless and tortured sleep.

He guessed it had been about 2 days when the front door snapped him out of his stupor. He knew he had gotten up to use the loo a few times, and he’d been aware of his room becoming dark and then light a couple of different times, but he hadn’t been able to force himself out of the grim trance he’d fallen into.

 Her voice rang out through the dark apartment.“Doctor?”   
  
He took a final cleansing breath before pushing himself up off the bed. His feet felt like they were full of lead as he forced himself to take step after step into the living room. She was standing in the kitchen, eyes wide and staring at the aftermath of his outburst littering the kitchen floor.

 “What happened?” she asked, voice low and concerned.  
  
He clenched his jaw shut, unable to answer. Her eyes, full of concern and a trace of fire, found his from across the room.   
  
The second time was louder and more firm. “What _happened_?”

 His voice came out broken through his clenched teeth.“You left.”

 Rose’s brow wrinkled as she looked at him.

 “You said you wouldn’t. You said you weren’t going anywhere!”

 Rose bit back, “I had to! It’s my job!”

 “You _left!”_   
  
“And your reaction was to throw a fit?”

 He was quiet, unable to speak.   
  
“You spend your days lying around on the couch watching telly. That’s not you!”   
  
“Exactly. Because I’m not _him_ !”   
  
“Yes, you are!”

 “You don’t understand.” he muttered, as he turned and started to walk towards his room. Rose trailed angrily behind him.

 “Really? I don’t understand? Are you _kidding_ me?”

 He turned slowly around to face her as she continued to yell. They were toe to toe, shooting daggers at each other in the living room. 

“You seem to constantly forget that I was _exactly where you are_ a few years ago. I lost my universe, my life, the TARDIS, _and_ the man I loved!” Her lip started to tremble as she yelled through her tears. “I couldn't eat or breathe and it felt like I was _drowning_ . But having you standing right here in front me, without really having you back, is _worse_!”

Her words hit him like a bullet to the chest. He stared into her watery, red-rimmed eyes and was immediately overcome with guilt.   
  
He tried to form words but before he could, she was slamming the door behind her. Once again, she was gone.


End file.
